frustration

Aren’t you supposed to come back from a retreat feeling refreshed and relaxed? But no, I was completely wiped out. It was great to see everybody again for the first time since August and it was lots of fun, but I didn’t get enough sleep. We had a couple really good community bonding and sharing moments, and the speakers and reflections got me reconnected, re-motivated, recommitted to the JVC values.

But since getting back, I’ve been feeling annoyed, frustrated, lonely, bored, and just generally unhappy with my community. We haven’t continued any of the conversations we started at retreat, nothing has changed – in fact, we haven’t even had a community or spirituality night since we got back.

I’m feeling alone in the challenge to seriously and intentionally live into the values of simplicity, social justice, community, and spirituality. It’s not because the others don’t care about those things, but they’re all at really different places in their lives than I am and I have a lot more experience with them than anyone else in my house. They're all exploring these things as a way of life for the first time, whereas I chose them because I knew it's how I wanted to live. I just have to learn to live with it...and be patient...and look for something I can do next year that will feel more serious to me...

speak the truth

A reflection while on retreat:

“Life is the opportunity to speak one great truth in the face of one great lie. It may seem that no one hears it. It may seem that nothing changes. But not to speak – that is the real sin.” --Joan Chittister, in "Called to Question"

I feel like I have missed so many opportunities already in my life…what truth(s) can I speak in the next few months?

Happy Obama (er, I mean Inauguration) Day!

I used my comp time to take the morning off of work and go to Philly to watch The Inauguration. It was cold, but in solidarity with my housemate and all the other people in DC I decided to stand outside on the Independence Mall to watch it with about 1,000 others rather than find a place indoors.

It was awesome. Everyone was so excited and we all cheered whenever Obama appeared on the big screen. At the exact moment when he emerged from the Capitol and began walking down the steps, a flock of birds lifted off from the ground behind the screen and flew up and past it – quite the symbolism of peace and hope, if you ask me. As he finished the oath of office, my chest was just filled with this rising, bursting exhilarating feeling. Everyone cheered, and we couldn’t help but give each other hugs we were so happy! It was a great day.

Hooray for us! It’s so exciting to finally have a new – and wonderful – president!

Never use this pick-up line

*notice: this post contains swear words*

As I’m walking home through the 6th St. tunnel, a young black man about my age enters on his bike. He rides towards me as says “Hey, this is a stick-up. Give me all your money right now so I don’t have to hurt you” (or something to that effect). I stop, and my left hand moves questioningly to my bag as thoughts tumble thought my mind in rapid succession: Shit. Is this really happening? I’ve got like 20 bucks! And I know that the only thing to do is to give it to him. Damn. Well, I will if I have to. Does he really mean it? He’s not threatening me, he’s not even close to me yet. This is weird…
I stand still, my pulse accelerated, waiting for him to get closer, wondering what to do, what he’ll do, with a shocked and befuddled expression on my face. The next words out of his mouth are “Psych! Just kidding.” As he glides past me on his bike he exclaims, “Happy Martin Luther King day!”
Relieved, I laugh weakly and wish him a happy MLK day, too, as I continue walking, then turn toward him around and make some awkward comment about how I’d the stick-up was little absurd because he didn’t have a weapon.
Next thing I know, he dumps his bike on the ground and comes jogging back toward me. “Hey, what’s your name?” I tell him, and he tells me his, although I promptly forget it. We shake hands, he gives me a hug, side kiss included, and he wishes me a happy MLK day again.
I have barely begun walking again when he asks, “Are you a student at Rutgers?”
“Actually, no.”
“Oh. Well, you’re really cute. Can I get your number?”
In my head I’m screaming ack! noooo! why me? I reply, “Sorry man, I don’t think so” and continue walking again.
“Aw, why not? You seem really nice. I’d just like to get to know you, take you out to dinner or something…”
I make my i-hate-to-let-you-down-but-i’m-really-not-sure-about-this-and-i-really-don’t-think-so face and he launches into an explanation about how he’s a student at Rutgers and this and that and how he got in an accident on his bike a few years back (here he rolls up his right pant leg to show me the damage) and how he gets insurance/settlement payments or something because of it, and he’s getting one soon, and how he’s gonna buy a house, and how he’ll be able to take me out and pay for everything and treat me well, etc…
By now we’ve reached the end of the tunnel. I tell him, “Sounds like you’re doing really well, that’s great to hear. But I’m not going to give you my number.”
“Look, I’m a nice guy, I’ve got money, I just want to take you out on a date. Please?”
“No…I’m glad to hear things are going so well for you and I think it’s great, but, no, not today.”
I keep walking. There is a pause. Then, “Is it because I’m black?”
I spin around to face him again. “No! Not at all! It’s just, I’m not looking for that in my life right now, and I’m not at a place in my life where I’m ready for it.”
I look at him apologetically and am relieved when he doesn’t pursue it any further, just gives me another hug and side kiss (I’m glad I’ve got my hat and scarf on, because it was longer than a casual peck and otherwise it would have made me very uncomfortable). We wish each other happy MLK days (again!) and go our separate ways.
Whew! Now that’s one pick-up line I’ve never heard, and never hope to hear again.
And I’m lucky. This is Camden. It could easily have been real.

FJV weekend

We had a full house this weekend!

On Friday, 5 of the 6 Camden JVs from last year converged on our house. Becca came to ERLH in the afternoon and was there for HW Club, and the plan was to meet everyone else at Hank’s, our usual Friday night dinner hangout. But we had to get there first, which turned out to be much more complicated than usual.

The Contour apparently doesn’t agree with Becca very much because she had lots of problems with it last year and it broke down on us on the way home. ;) I had been worrying about it since the day before because it needed an oil change, the check engine light had been on for a few days, and when I started it or went really slow it felt like it was going to turn off. Well, that’s what it finally did when I stopped at the intersection. Worse than that, the brake pedal got stuck and would not go down any farther. I managed to drive it with my flashers on to the Moorestown Pepboys, which was 3 stoplights away, without having to stop the car or brake quickly. Phew! Kevin and Charlie drove out to pick us up and take us back to Hank’s – we got there at 7:30.

On Saturday they went grocery shopping and come home and made us a delicious dinner with salmon – yum! On Sunday afternoon, we picked up the Contour: $875! They had to replace the idle plug and the front brakes plus a few other minor things including a wire tune-up. Wow. Glad I didn’t have to pay for it! Later, we all went to a co-worker’s house and enjoyed some good Puerto Rican food, two cute puppies, and another football game (this time with an unhappy ending for the Eagles).

By the time I got up on Monday morning, Becca was the only one left, so we spent the morning together talking. It was great to talk with someone who understands exactly what I’m going through at work and to discover that we have a lot more in common besides that!

A HW Club story

Little D tried to run away today because he wanted snack. He even got out the door and down the steps. I told him it was OK if he wanted to leave, but he needed to call his mom first. He came inside and I tried to hand him the phone, but he said he’d stay – if I gave him snack. So I explained to him why he hadn’t been allowed to have snack (he didn't have his shoes on and he was running around and being loud). Then I had him explain it to me. He said he was going to leave, I said he had to call his mom, he said he would stay if he had snack. I said he had lost his chance for snack today, but he gets a new chance every day to show that he can behave/follow instructions and get snack. But the consequence of his behavior today was no snack. He started to cry. I left the room, saying if he wanted to go home he could call his mom.

Cindy went to talk to him and came back saying she had told him that if he apologized to me (for what, being obstinate?) he could have snack. Next thing I see is him with his jacket and backpack on headed toward the door. Not leaving, just waiting. He hadn’t called his mom. I asked him what it was Mrs. Cindy wanted him to apologize to me for anyway. He didn’t answer. He tried to go out the door. I locked it and tried to give him the phone again. He took his jacket and backpack off. There was a picture of MLK on the table. I asked him if he knew who it was and if he knew anything about him. We talked for about 5 minutes: I was impressed at how much he knew! I asked if he was ready to go back in the other room with everyone else – If you give me snack! Would you like a poptart? No, popcorn. I already put the popcorn away, but if you’d like a poptart you may have one. No. Strawberry or Cinnamon-sugar? Strawberry. OK. Done.

I’m a little frustrated because I ended up giving in, but: he hadn’t actually done anything that bad, plus, he wanted to stay. I was just trying to be consistent and follow through on my consequence (because I often get the feeling that Cindy thinks I'm too soft or wishy-washy with the kids), even though I didn’t really want to -- when I had warned him, I hadn't meant it to be an ultimatum, but the other kids had interpreted it that way and would have thought I was being wishy-washy and going back on my word if I'd given him snack. So I was relieved that Cindy gave me a way out of it, but also in some small way kind of wished she hadn't...

living and growing together

What a happy and community-filled weekend it’s been!

Friday night we hung out in the basement with the hookah and had some good conversations. On Saturday morning, I decided I didn’t really want any of the breakfast options that were available and neither did I want to get stuck in the house all day like I did last week. So, decision: take the PATCO to Philly, walk to Reading Terminal Market, and get a hot apple dumpling from the Amish. So I did – yum! I also got a latté, and sat at a little table near the 12th Street windows and read the City Pages. Ahhh.

Then I wandered around the market some more and bought some cheap pure maple syrup at another Amish stand – it was from Pennsylvania and half the price of what that amount of syrup usually costs. Hooray! On my way out, I couldn’t resist the 99 cent/lb fuji apples and local cameos, so I bought 4. My bag was rather heavy on the way home, but it was worth it.

I walked through the underground Market East Station mall on my way back to the PATCO. I got to the stop just as a train was arriving, so I checked the direction sign and hopped on it, forgetting that West was not the direction I wanted to go until we came to the next stop…oops! So I got off and waited 20 more minutes for the next train East. I decided to be interesting and get off at the Broadway station in Camden instead of at City Hall – it made the walk home 4 blocks longer, but I got to walk through a different part of town, which I enjoyed.

I made turkey and dumpling soup for dinner on Saturday just cuz I felt like cookin’, which we all ate in the living room together while the football game was on. Later, there was more hookah-ing and conversation.

Today was really cool. 4 of us went to mass across the street at Holy Name this morning at 9. When we got back, we all jumped on Dan’s bed to wake him up so that we could go out to breakfast at Honey’s Sit & Eat in Philadelphia. It’s a really popular breakfast place, so we had to wait 45 minutes after putting our name on the list before we could be seated. Conveniently, the Random Tea Room is just down the block, so we waited there and enjoyed some chai until they radioed down for us. Honey’s is rustic and cozy and delicious: I had the French toast with nutella, strawberries and pears.

We left at 12:30 and drove to the art museum, which is pay-what-you-can on Sundays, and spent about an hour there, then came home just in time to watch the Eagles vs. Giants football game. That's the 4th football game I've watched in the last 8 days. Never in my life did expect to watch so much football... At least the Eagles won.

Sunday morning

I think today made up for yesterday.

I got up at 10 and took the PATCO into Philly. Walked 5 blocks to Arch St. UMC. It was nice. They are a diverse and progressive church, even if not all of their theological language lines up with that. They’re really active in the community too, and have lots of interesting stuff going on. And they have great music! I was almost ready to jump in with both feet, but Philly isn’t my home, Camden is. I want a church like that in Camden. (But why were the black people only sitting in the back half of the sanctuary? There were white people in the back, too, but no black people up front. Weird.)

Afterwards, I stopped in at 10,000 Villages to use my gift card – I bought a "Simply in Season" cookbook and a dark chocolate bar. Mmmm.

Cabin Fever

Another beautiful Saturday in which I stayed home and did nothing. I wanted to go out, but I didn’t have anywhere to go! I’ve lived here for 4 months and still have no idea about what’s here…I want a church. I want to know Camden and its people. I don’t want to be an aloof observer.

Christmas

Merry Christmas! Although I did not fly home to Oregon, I did get to spend the holiday with family: the Hall aunts, uncles, and cousins. I spent Christmas day at my aunt’s house in Philadelphia with my cousin Amity who I hadn’t seen for 4 ½ years, her boyfriend, and my uncle Scott. The Christmas Eve service was nice, but marred by too much incense and too slow of songs. I was the first “kid” up on Christmas morning which meant I got to finish decorating the little tiny tree. We had eggnog and my homemade orange break for breakfast – it’s not Christmas without them!

That weekend we took a road trip up to New England. First stop was Massachusetts to visit my cousin Jon (who I hadn’t seen in 11 years) and his family: we spent a fun evening at their house and celebrated Hanukkah with them – his two girls are 8 and 4(?) and I’d never met them before. Rita, the youngest, is deaf and she’s a riot – she was teaching us sign language and being very dramatic. We spent the night in the big old farmhouse in New Hampshire where Scott lives.

Sunday, we continued on our way to Maine and spent 2 days at my cousin Meredith’s house outside of Portland. I hadn’t seen her in 13 years and had never met her daughters, either, who are 6 and 4(?). We got to spend time with my aunt Lenore and her fiancée Bill while we were there, too. In the late afternoon we all went down to the shore. It was a warm, clear day (55 degrees in Maine in December??), and a beautiful view as the sun began to set.

Monday morning was spent sitting at the dining room table with one little girl on each knee as they drew and colored and played. It was lovely. In the evening, Bill, Lenore, Lark and I took the girls to a restaurant/bar in Portland where Bill’s son-in-law was performing. Sarah really didn’t want to go at first because she was tired, but after she’d eaten and woken up she had fun. By the end, she and Libby were both dancing to the music and didn’t want to leave. After taking them home we went and visited Bill’s house and then stopped at LL Bean on our way back to Meredith’s.

Lark and I left Tuesday morning and drove the whole 8-9 hours back to Philly in one day. It was a great trip, and I especially enjoyed being able to hang out with the children in a family setting rather than a professional one and give them hugs and hold them on my lap.