a candle-inspired poem

all-in-one universe

what little light
what
little

flame.
fire.

my flame
my heart
cave of your embrace
your shelter

  - love.

one little light
one
small flame
one fire
one heart
one love
one.

one.

a wonder -

an easter poem

(this poem has been gestating since it was originally conceived in February, and i think today would be an appropriate day to share it!  despite any imperfections that may remain.  critiques are welcome via email...)

lilting through an afternoon sunspell

tripping over myself with joy

i press my hands

against my breast

in fear that my heart

may else come tumbling out

if I let go...

no longer could i call my heart

"mine"...

-is that what it means

 to die of love?

-it would be annihilated

by that ultimate

ever-living

Holy Fire.

-it would disintegrate

into innumerable shining flecks

burrowing into the earth

rising on the song of a sparrow

whirling in the wind

sprinkling stardust wherever it passed

enlivening all it touched

  

and I would be

-resurrected!

but hasn't this happened 

already?

these feeble human hands

in their pathetic embrace of this

fractured human heart

            -which is even now seeping out through every pore in my body!

haven’t a self-preserving chance 

in the presence of this

infinite

ever-loving God.

lessons from a clothespin

think of a clothesline. if the line is a spectrum representing God, then the clothespins are people, clinging to their beliefs about God. as the line gets blown about in the wind, they hang on tight with their faith and weather the storms that come their way. occasionally, heavy burdens come upon them which in the wind will sometimes cause them to twist and strain and even snap!

but there’s one little clothespin that spins freely round and around, sliding up and down the line as it moves in the wind. the others don’t understand – she doesn’t appear to be useful at all; no grip on reality, impossible to pin down, completely impractical! and yet, she never snaps and falls.

she has embraced the mystery of God, giving her the freedom to explore and celebrate, and the flexibility to face life’s challenges with an open mind...

temporarily uncentered

If I didn't know that this lifestyle I'm living right now was temporary, I think I'd be going crazy. I'd be trying to find a way to become part of a community, looking for meaning, having a spiritual crisis even, and in general be really frustrated with my life.

I've found that in this urban, independent, work-a-day lifestyle (even though I love my job!), I don't know how to be centered in God. I've been using a Celtic prayer book to do brief morning and nighttime prayers to try and ground myself spiritually at least a little, but ironically, it sometimes makes it harder! Here's why: for the past year I've been living in the woods and the countryside, surrounded by nature, which is where I feel closest to God and most connected to my spirituality, and the prayer book uses a lot of nature imagery and metaphor. But I'm living in the city now! And that language simply doesn't connect with what I'm experiencing. In fact, sometimes it makes me resent what I'm experiencing, which is exactly NOT what prayer is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you connect with your own soul, and to God and to center you spiritually in your reality (among other things). So if I were to stay in the city longer, I would need to find a prayer resource that helps me do that in an urban context, using urban imagery and metaphors to speak of the spiritual experience.

But I'm not frustrated with my life or worried about getting stuck in an unfulfilling rut, because instead, I'm leaving in two weeks!

thoughts on church

I went to North UCC, the Open & Affirming one, in Middletown for the 2nd time today - and the pastor wasn't there this week either! I had multiple reactions to the service:
1) they're fairly progressive, but i'm sick of traditional male-centered theological language.
2) The service was led by lay leaders, and there was some deep story-sharing which reminded me of Sweet Home UMC. :)
3) they watched a video about worship that said "worship is supposed to be about God, not about how it makes you feel" and "Jesus calls us to worship his name, not argue about it." I see the truth in both of those statements, but...it's not worship unless it connects with me and speaks to my soul, is it? and, Jesus doesn't ask us to worship him, but to worship God. yeah, I have a problem with worshipping Jesus.
4) For special music, a woman played guitar and sang Gather Us In and Be Not Afraid - the kind of music I love and miss - it was wonderful and moving!
5) For the benediction, the same woman called everyone to join hands in a circle and said a prayer about diversity and loving our uniqueness and then we sang a song. :)
6) after experiencing number (1), it was reassuring to witness the struggle of the congregation to deal with the changing world around them and how to be God's presence; their passions around the need for action and trying to find answers for what they can do in their community.

poem: a gardener like me

i long
for god to make a garden
of my heart
to turn it into a
growing, blooming, fruitful –useful-
place

loving hands immersed in its
soft soil
massaging it, picking out
the stones – those
all-pervasive impediments to growth;
passionately carving their way
through the closed cage of my ribs and into
the secret interior of my soul
opening up long furrows upon its
too-smooth surface deep enough
to find its tender places;
expertly, carefully, planting
each seed
one by one
gently and eagerly encouraging it to
take root and rise up!

i envision this gardener
approaching my heart-bed joyfully in anticipation
each and every day
to water the seeds;
crouching closely – hoping
to witness the first sign of growth
whispering and
singing come out!
come out, my loves!
arise!
dancing and
clapping her hands in delight
at each new green sliver of
life - yes!

yes.

i want my heart to feel like this
i want my god to be like this
-a gardener like me.

a Resurrection truth

Last year at Easter I wrote something to the effect that it would be enough for me to just have the stories of Jesus’ life, teachings and death; I don’t need a resurrection for them to have meaning and power in my life. 

But the thought I had during morning prayer today was that the disciples needed it!  And it’s only because of the profound ways they experienced Jesus’ presence after his death that they regained hope in his message and meaning and therefore passed on and wrote the gospel stories and letters and kept the Christian faith going.

Just because I don’t believe that Jesus’ body was raised back to life doesn’t mean the the disciples didn’t believe it!  That’s why we have Christianity at all today, and in that sense our faith is utterly dependent on the historical truth of the resurrection – because somebody else believed it. 

The gospel stories were written after the resurrection, because of the resurrection, in light of the resurrection.  And that IS a historical fact!

a blessed Easter

my easter weekend was full of wonderful easter-y things:

It began with a Maundy Thursday tenebrae service at Christa’s UCC church involving a simple, candlelit seder meal of lamb eaten in silence interspersed with the passion week readings and a few songs, ending in darkness.

We did a Stations of the Cross in front of the State House in Boston on Good Friday from 12-3pm. It is done as a statement against the death penalty and all state-sponsored violence, including war and economic exploitation. I wrote and read the 12^th Station (Jesus dies on the cross) and sang and played music (flute) with Fran Reagan (guitar) in between the stations. There were about 30 people participants taking turns reading, holding the cross, and holding banners. It was warm and sunny and i didn’t wear sunscreen…

That was followed by a Passover Seder at my cousin Jon’s house in Hadley. I met my cousin Amity in Boston and carpooled with her. There were 16 people total, including my aunt Lenore and Bill. The rest were Liz’s family. It was fun – my first REAL seder experience – i.e. how a real American Jewish family does it, not a presentation to show non-Jews how it’s done. Celia played the violin, Rita asked the four questions in sign language, and their other two cousins also participated with music and a modern-day interpretation skit about the Exodus from Egypt. I got back to Agape at midnight…

On Saturday, we had an Easter Vigil service here at Agape. I of course was on the music team. I sang the “Exsultet” at the beginning, which is basically an intro to what the service is all about: we rejoice, we remember what God has done for us, etc. I had never been to an Easter vigil before and never heard it before, so I plunked out the melody on the piano and found it to be very minor, modal, and chant-like. So I said, “this is a happy declaration , it should sound more joyful than that!” So I spent a half hour modifying and practicing it. A couple hours later, as I stood there in front of the 30 people in attendance, I looked down at the music and realized I didn’t really remember what I’d practiced… John, the priest, must have noticed my nervous hesitation because he laid a hand on my shoulder and said a little blessing prayer, which was exactly the boost I needed to get started and not get wrapped up in the perfection of the performance, trust in my own ability and rehearsal, and just sing whatever felt right. it wasn’t “perfect”, but it was good – and I got a lot of compliments from Catholics who had never heard it done that way before. I have to say I was impressed too, because I’ve never done anything like that before and wouldn’t have thought It’s something I could do!

i only got 6 hours of sleep Saturday night, but i managed to get out of bed at 6am on Sunday and drive to Ware for the Easter sunrise service at the United Church. They did it in the adjacent cemetery, which was nice symbolism, and we were facing a stand of trees with the golden haze from the shining behind them. It was short and nice – about 20-30 people present – followed by a pancake breakfast. Then I went for a walk in the park along the Ware river, below the church. It was cool, beautiful, and calm, with lots of birdsong.

later in the morning, i went to the UCC church in Hardwick (Christa’s parish again) for a lovely, fairly traditional-style Easter service including a brass quartet and music by Handel. To my surprise, Christa’s parents invited me to attend Easter brunch with them afterward! It was a lovely buffet at a local “Herb farm.” Apparently they have beautiful gardens and host a lot of weddings in the summer.

In the later afternoon, i drove to a nearby state park with a small lake and sat, read, walked, journaled, in the breezy sunshine. It was about 70 degrees outside and there were people fishing, kayaking, and playing on the little beach. On my drive home i stopped to watch the sunset.

what a beautiful Easter!

Nature as Metaphor

God happened to Suzanne and me yesterday.  We were sitting in the chapel for morning prayer with heaving snow falling all around us and a forecast for 7 inches on our minds, when I opened the bible to the day’s assigned reading from Isaiah (55: 10-11):

“For as the rain and snow come down from heaven,

and do not return there until they have watered the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose

and succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

What a stunningly beautiful metaphor of God and life to read in the 3rd month of winter…

We had no choice but to follow it by singing Rain Down (“rain down, rain down, rain down your love on your people, rain down, rain down, rain down your love, God of life”)!

The trees, the water, the flowers and stones, the birds, the ice – nature constantly provides us with metaphors for the spiritual life: trees bending, flowers blooming, seeds sprouting, birds singing and soaring, ice melting, water filling…

But they aren’t trying to do any of this, they aren’t doing it for us, they are simply being.  Being themselves, being what they were created to be.  They are not thinking about it, not choosing to be an example, not wondering if they are correct; just simply living and being. 

And that makes it all the more powerful.

fireboxes

I am a firebox.*

The fire is the Spirit of God alive within me, “luminously glowing,” keeping the “house” of my life warm and vibrant.

To keep a fire going, you must pay attention to it, tend it, stoke it. If you forget about it, it will go out, and if the ashes get cold, it will need to be completely restarted, which is not an efficient use of energy. and meanwhile the house gets cold.

Be always mindful of holding the light of Christ, of God, within you.

*Brayton’s terms for woodstove

Triduum

Thursday evening I went to a Maundy Thursday service at Tioga UMC in North Philly. It was a cooperative service with St. George’s UMC and other UMC’s in the “Central Cluster”, which are all African-American congregations. Of the approximately 50 people there, I was one of only two white people in the congregation. The only others were the two St. George’s pastors and the pianist. It was a 7:00 service. It got under way at about 7:30. I didn’t stay until the end, because we were having a Seder meal at home, planned for about 8:30…well, I left the church at about 8:40, seeing that the service wasn’t going to end at least until 9. I couldn’t leave before that, because I had to stay for the foot washing – that’s the whole reason I went to the service! That’s my favorite thing about Maundy Thursday services. So I snuck out during the offering.

The Seder was nice. Megan did a good job of preparing the meal and leading us through an abbreviated version of it. We even included the Matzo hide-and-seek! =) And after we were done and we were still sitting there talking, I looked at the clock and discovered it was 11:30PM. Good thing we all had Friday off…

Friday morning I participated in the viacrusis with Sacred Heart parish in South Camden. It was cool. Each station was a place in the neighborhood where someone had been killed within the past 10 years or so. Fr. Doyle would explain who had died and how and then there’d be a scripture and response and prayer before we moved on. I helped Sean Dougherty (Patti’s boss) carry the cross between stations 9 and 10. I’d never had that experience before (never even been on a viacrusis before), so I was glad he asked. I shouldered it and he took the rear. It was heavy, and I got a sore shoulder, but it was bearable. Hard, but I didn’t mind – it was a good feeling.

In the evening I went to a tenebrae service at Grace Lutheran. It was exactly what I wanted and needed: calm, reflective, quiet, serious.

Saturday, appropriately, was dreary and rainy.

Sunday was cold and windy, but clear and sunny! I went to Chestnut Hill UMC for church. It was amazing to see the sanctuary practically full, and it felt awesome! There were at least twice as many people there as usual (like 60 instead of 30). It felt very homey, especially since they ended service with the choir singing the Hallelujah chorus, like Macalester-Plymouth* does. The format of worship was pretty standard and didn’t include anything radical, but the content was just as awesome as usual.

And in the afternoon, I started making a garden in my back yard…how appropriate for Easter!

*The church I attended Easter services at with my aunt and uncle in St. Paul, MN during college.

Good Friday reflections...

I have to say, I kind of like the character of Pilate in the Passion story, especially in John. He’s a state official who’s entrapped by the law and doesn’t have the courage to step out of his box. He does what he’s “supposed to do” and doesn’t feel like he has a choice – if he does otherwise, his career, his life, as he knows it, will be over. John shows better than the other gospels how pained and tormented he is at the thought of putting Jesus to death – this man who is quiet and humble and innocent and intriguing, who reveals the truth. “what is truth?” he asks… He likes Jesus and doesn’t want to have anything to do with his death. He tries to hand him back to the Jewish authorities, but they’re too concerned about Sabbath law to let themselves become unclean by killing him.

Pilate only gives in when they connect Jesus’ claim to be King to treason against Caesar, when they make it political. The poor guy, so trapped! in the system…like so many of us today… And I love how at the end he gets back at the Jewish authorities by writing “King of the Jews” in three languages on the sign and refuses to change it when they complain – so there!

So it’s Good Friday and Jesus has died. Been crucified for speaking a world-altering truth. Even if that’s where the story ended, it would be earth-shattering and transforming. That story could hold its own, with all the wisdom and teaching it contains. That’s how people who aren’t Christians read it, like Gandhi. So why do we need Easter? What does it add to the story that wouldn’t be there without it? I suppose Christianity might not exist if it did end there…hmm, have to think on that one…We don’t need Easter to tell us how to live – Jesus’ life and teachings do that. But we need it to give us hope and courage; to reassure us that we’re not alone, that it’s not a lost cause…

Lenten Practices

Back in February, we had a community conversation about Lent and any traditions we had, such as doing daily devotions or giving something up and our thoughts about it. I have never "given something up" for Lent, because I always thought it just seemed shallow and didn't really have anything to do with preparing for Easter as far as I could tell. For the last few years, I've tried to do something deeper: stop a harmful behavior, adopt a practice or habit to make my life reflect my ideals... I was struggling to come up with something concrete to do this year, until I went to Chestnut Hill UMC the first Sunday of Lent. They had us reflect on different aspects of our life (self-care, spirituality, relationships, justice, creativity, and gifts/talents) and choose something. Here's what I came up with:

1) morning reflection/prayer
2) relationships w/community members
3) involvement in neighborhood/community
4) weekly mandalas
5) begin a garden
6) more intentionality about choices that affect the environment
7) improve how I relate to the kids, teens, and Cindy at work
8) breathe and notice

I have to say, I haven't done morning reflections every day, I haven't made a single Mandala yet, and I haven't put enough effort into #2. I've been thinking a lot about #s 3 and 5 -- and I checked out some gardening books from the library! I think I've been making improvements in all the other areas... #8 is harder than it sounds, but it's the one that has the biggest effect on my day. I've got 3 weeks left, let's see how much more progress I can make!

Fall Retreat

Ah, retreat! What a joy to be out of the city, surrounded by trees and grass! We were so ready for this retreat. It was great to have other people to hang out with, talk to, and connect with; to discuss our challenges with and compare experiences with. And of course I enjoyed boating on the pond, hanging out at the campfire, and taking turns playing guitar and singing songs out of Rise Up Singing for a couple hours. The mass on Saturday night was very soul-filling. We sang some of my favorite music (Gather Us In and The Summons!) and the homily was energetic, intellectually stimulating, progressive, interactive, and had a radically inclusive message about the banquet table being open to everyone. I couldn't NOT take communion after that! It was the first time since joining JVC that I've actually taken communion at a Catholic mass.


The best thing, though, about reatreat was having 1-on-1 conversations with each of my community members. I’m glad that the two people I have the most difficult time talking to about issues are the ones that want me to talk and be direct with them. Having that request, I don’t have to hold myself back in fear of judgement. I’m looking forward to Disney singalong dishwashing nights with Patti. =) And to deeper connection with Tricia and yoga with the girls, and to exploring mass transit and Camden with Megan. We also had a really deep and honest community discussion on Saturday. It’s a relief to finally have had these conversations and feel like we understand each other a little bit better and re-commit ourselves to working on building a strong community.

zip-zop-zoom

Well, I have now been home for -- has it really only been one week?! Yes, I guess so, because I just took my second dose of chloroquine, and I've got one more to go. It's taken my body and my digestive system a while to adjust to the temperature and the food. So I've been eating lots of rice, beans, and tortillas instead of all those interesting foods I was looking forward to... I thought it was supposed to be spring here in Oregon! So why does it keep snowing? I know that March and April are often cloudy and rainy and cool--but snow? Let's hear it for global climate change...

I got home late Wednesday night, and life began again right away! Thursday evening was a Maundy Thursday service with dinner. There was something meaningful about holding that service in a home rather than at a church; a meal with friends in a house: the last supper wasn't held in a synagogue or the temple! Friday evening I went to Eugene with some other CoHo people in an unsuccessful attempt to see Barack Obama. Saturday, which was a beautiful, sunny first day of spring, I participated in a peace march with 450 other people here in Corvallis.

Sunday, of course, was Easter, and a long day at church in Sweet Home with my mom: 7am sunrise service (preceded by a 45-minute drive), then breakfast, sunday school, and 11am worship followed by a tasty coffee hour. It was nice to have an Easter where the "Resurrection of Jesus" was not rammed down one's throat. Instead, the emphasis was on new life, witnessing to Christ in our lives, and choosing life over death. And living out that choice by speaking out against violence and war. I love that congregation. They are such wonderful people to be around and worship with; they have such a closeness and earnestness; are so spirit-filled, alive, generous and loving. And of course they are full of humor. I think my time in Honduras gave me an even greater awareness of the importance of community and the need for communal worship in our spiritual lives. It's just not the same when there's only two of you...

So now it's time to be thinking about the big question: what next? It's what everybody keeps asking me, and what I keep asking myself...

Rain: A metaphor

It rained and poured.
And on the first day
we rejoiced!
for the water had been scarce
the tank almost empty.
We felt the Spirit
falling on us
like the rain
filling us
Our cup was filled to overflowing!

On the second day,
we appreciated the sunshine,
but our revelry was
interrupted
the rain was not finished with us yet.
But we bore with it,
glad that it was watering
the parched earth
and our new seeds.

On the third day
we woke to dark skies.
The sun was nowhere to be found.
We lost all sense of time
as the day stretched on.
The rain came back with a vengeance
pounding on the roof
lashing at the walls
begging for admission
Despair set in
(But our reservoir is full now
we can hold no more!
we have what we need,
you're job is done.)
Frustration
(Please, go away.
enough is enough!
I am tired of your endless
insistence.)
Resignation
(We'll go inside
and not come out
until you have gone.)

In the night,
we look up to the heavens
and they are filled with
stars!
The morning dawns bright,
peaceful, gentle
filled with birdsong.
The Spirit shines on us
like the sun.

It is the Sabbath.

The butterfly

Through the streaked layer of dirt
on the thick window
of the bus,
Against a wall
of green foliage
laden with dust,
There soars a butterfly.

Not even the grit
and dinginess
of its surroundings
can dull
its bright orange
radiance.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" (John 1:5)

the beginning of an answer

God:

You are wisdom, light, truth,
bringer of wisdom, light, truth.
You are joy, love, hope
and the bearer of joy, love, hope.
You are spirit of life,
breath of life,
source of life.
You are birther, nurturer, comforter.
You are the ancient one--a rock
You are a child--energy, wonder
You are a builder of bridgers,
and a bridge, too.
You are an infinite ocean
vaster than any mind can comprehend.
You are the sustainer of life,
the rhythm of life,
hearbeat of the universe.
You are a light on our path
you are the path.
You guide us through changes
you are change,
movement,
spinning us in circles,
through our cycles of existence.
You are the fiber of my being.
of everything.
And you call us to discover
our wholeness in you
in us.

Wandering

I am wandering
in the pre-dawn light
of a cloudy day.
for I am not in total darkness,
but I have not come into full being
or understanding.
it is grey. and dim.

But
when the sun does finally rise,
it will be all the more glorious
for the clouds.
They may obscure the light
delay the daybreak

and make the search for truth more difficult,
But the most beautiful sunrises occur
when the clouds are illuminated
in hues
of pink, orange, and purple,
yellow against steel blue
And we revel in God,
the light of life.

Swinging with God

Here's a poem I wrote in El Pino after watching a young girl on a swing:

It only takes a few pumps of the legs
and arms
and then you're off.

Sometimes,
when you're small,
a push from a parent helps.
sometimes all it takes is a friend
your same age.

Arms, legs, and body working together,
you ride higher
and begin to soar.

Then, you can relax into the rhythm
and enjoy your flight
on the wings of the spirit.

When you descend,
calmly
back to solid ground
and dismount--
perhaps with a leap of joy--
your life goes on
and the swing stays behind,
swaying
waiting to carry its next soul
to freedom.