a candle-inspired poem

all-in-one universe

what little light
what
little

flame.
fire.

my flame
my heart
cave of your embrace
your shelter

  - love.

one little light
one
small flame
one fire
one heart
one love
one.

one.

a wonder -

lent, again

it's lent again.  i've had such a different experience of lent every year since finishing college.  that first year i spent it with my sister at her little monastery in Honduras as i began the long journey back to spiritual wholeness.  the next year i was living in Camden, NJ, rotating my worship between two churches in Philly and our neighborhood Lutheran church.  my practice of being more intentional and balanced in my spirituality, relationships, and life was informed by Chestnut Hill UMC.  The following year found me at the Agape Community in western MA as i found direction.  two years ago i had a lazy lent in Northern Ireland.  last year i was soul-searching at Holy Hill Hermitage in Ireland, and what an awesome experience that was.

what the preceding list doesn't reveal is all of the other places i've been around and between this litany of locales through which i've wandered and wondered over the past 6 years.  and now it's lent again, and here i am in Boston, trying to find rhythm and purpose while being mostly unemployed and ensconcing myself in the emergent church community of The Crossing.

as lent begins, the Spirit drives Jesus out into the desert, into the wilderness, where he struggles with the questions of who he is and how he is called to live.  in church a question is asked, "where is your wilderness?"  this; this is my wilderness.

welcome to lent.

Thanksgiving

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the imperfections of my life these days that it takes a determined effort to look past it all and be thankful; to remember how many things I do have to be thankful for, even if life isn’t all that I’d like it to be.  There’s so much unknowing, unfulfillment, and of course self-judgment… I’m [still] not living where I want to live, not working where I want to work, not learning what I want to learn… 

And yet.

I have a comfortable place to live, with generous people who have shared their home with me.

I have a meaningful, enlivening worship community.

I have friends nearby, and friends both near and far who care about me. 

I have family who love me.

When I think about it, I really am overwhelmed with gratitude to all of the people who support me in so many different ways!  And I am so thankful to all of those people in my life who have helped me navigate a way through crises and confusions, holding my hand and helping me find clarity and confidence; encouraged me in my adventures; and those who applauded me for taking my time to figure things out in moments when I was frustrated with my lack of forward movement.  I am awed and humbled that people ask me, in the midst of all my own uncertainties, for advice! 

I’m grateful for my education and that I know how to cook.

And that I was taught (or perhaps allowed) to cultivate a sense of awe: the ability to notice and give thanks for the small things, and marvel at God’s goodness.  God’s immanence.  The knowledge that we are holy and everything that is is holy.    

I’m grateful for the trees that keep me grounded, for my eyes that seek out wonder, birds that teach me freedom, feet that carry me to beautiful places, sounds that bring me joy, lungs that give me breath.  And for this earth that feeds us.

Wherever you may be today, whoever you may be with, thank you for being part of my life, and may you also be graced with wonder. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

on the move again...

So I guess I'm not quite ready to change the name of this blog yet...

I've had a wonderful two months at my parents' home in Oregon while readjusting to American culture and getting used to life outside of a monastery...  2+ months filled with camping trips in the woods/mountains with my parents, visits to friends and grandmothers, raspberry-blueberry-blackberry-picking, jam-making, playing marimba, going to the farmers' market, a day at the beach, a friend's wedding, sorting through the boxes of stuff I have stored in the attic, pesto-making, a mozzarella cheese experiment, a little bit of gardening, and babysitting the kids in the community - mostly the very calm and adorable Amada (8 mos).  In other words: lots of things to keep me occupied and help me avoid planning my next move... :\

But after the celebratory festivities of my dad's 60th birthday and one final camping trip, it's on the move again for me -- this time in my new super-classy  gold 1998 Toyota Camry with leather seats and fake wood trim...  It's a cross-country road trip to Massachusetts to be reunited with the other bits of my life and decide where to go (or see where it takes me) from there. 

I envision:  living in the country/city outskirts.  living simply.  living in community - even better, a community with spiritual values.  being part of a religious community (church, small groups, etc.).  living close enough to an urban area to be able to take advantage of what it offers - cultural and educational opportunities.  plenty of access to quiet outdoor space.  working with kids (esp. 7-11 yr-olds).  working outdoors.  gardening.  improving my folk-guitar skills.  taking some classes, get some training to increase my knowledge and skills re:gardening/working with kids/communicating, figuring out if i want/need to go to grad school/seminary... 

If you have any ideas about places/towns, organizations, networks, farms, communities, programs, jobs, people, resources, I'd love it if you could point me in their direction! 

I imagine the next few months will be more unsettled than I'd prefer, but hopefully my visions and dreams and trust in god's goodness will keep me going and lead me through it to a place of firmer rootedness...  

homing

farewell, Holy Hill, home of my heart these past 8 months...thank you for all your love and care and stretching and soul-nurturing and adventuring and faith-exploring and laughter and the growing of gifts and gardens...(and thanks to the sun for shining bright on my last day here!)
who would have guessed when i arrived here in October how things would unfold?  certainly not i.  it was a time of deep personal and spiritual growth, and i'm certain that it has impacted me in ways that i probably don't even know yet, and won't be aware of until i get home.  

yes, home.  after one year and five months (almost to the day!) i am finally returning to the USA.  there are things i'm going to miss incredibly: the simple rhythm of daily life and communal prayer; my role as liturgical musician - and my performance buddy and partner-in-creativity; Saturday night Sabbath vigils and sung compline; the constantly shifting skies; walks on Dunmoran strand; the stunning view of Sligo/Ballisodare Bay, Knoncknarae, Ben Bulben, and the Slieve League; my window seat; pottery lessons with Paddy; spiritual direction sessions with Margaret; music sessions in Tubbercurry with Liam; cooking with Sioga; talking and singing with Travis; eating Barbara's custard w/apple tart; Rev. Allen's booming voice; being addressed as Lady Autumn and "my fair dame" by the estimable and eccentric Brother Thomas; having a whole beautiful library of meaningful books at my disposal; nobody thinking it odd if all you want to do is hole up in your hermitage and be quiet for hours on end; being surrounded by loving and encouraging people who are concerned more about the state of your soul & spirit and inner integrity than anything else...and being offered endless cups of tea.

it's like i've been enfolded in a nurturing womb, and it's been beautiful, but it also feels like the right time to leave.  i needed it, but i've been there long enough and it's time to figure out how to move forward with my life and the other aspects of my calling - it's helped me find my feet and now it's time to use them.  i feel strong enough and eager enough to press "play" and see what happens...i'm exhausted with all of this traveling and dibbling and dabbling of the last 5 years and i'm feeling ready to stop and be settled and create a life for myself.  i don't really know what that means yet, only that hopefully i'll feel less like a "wondering and wandering wind-blown leaf" and more like a little tree sapling...