Thanksgiving

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the imperfections of my life these days that it takes a determined effort to look past it all and be thankful; to remember how many things I do have to be thankful for, even if life isn’t all that I’d like it to be.  There’s so much unknowing, unfulfillment, and of course self-judgment… I’m [still] not living where I want to live, not working where I want to work, not learning what I want to learn… 

And yet.

I have a comfortable place to live, with generous people who have shared their home with me.

I have a meaningful, enlivening worship community.

I have friends nearby, and friends both near and far who care about me. 

I have family who love me.

When I think about it, I really am overwhelmed with gratitude to all of the people who support me in so many different ways!  And I am so thankful to all of those people in my life who have helped me navigate a way through crises and confusions, holding my hand and helping me find clarity and confidence; encouraged me in my adventures; and those who applauded me for taking my time to figure things out in moments when I was frustrated with my lack of forward movement.  I am awed and humbled that people ask me, in the midst of all my own uncertainties, for advice! 

I’m grateful for my education and that I know how to cook.

And that I was taught (or perhaps allowed) to cultivate a sense of awe: the ability to notice and give thanks for the small things, and marvel at God’s goodness.  God’s immanence.  The knowledge that we are holy and everything that is is holy.    

I’m grateful for the trees that keep me grounded, for my eyes that seek out wonder, birds that teach me freedom, feet that carry me to beautiful places, sounds that bring me joy, lungs that give me breath.  And for this earth that feeds us.

Wherever you may be today, whoever you may be with, thank you for being part of my life, and may you also be graced with wonder. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

on the move again...

So I guess I'm not quite ready to change the name of this blog yet...

I've had a wonderful two months at my parents' home in Oregon while readjusting to American culture and getting used to life outside of a monastery...  2+ months filled with camping trips in the woods/mountains with my parents, visits to friends and grandmothers, raspberry-blueberry-blackberry-picking, jam-making, playing marimba, going to the farmers' market, a day at the beach, a friend's wedding, sorting through the boxes of stuff I have stored in the attic, pesto-making, a mozzarella cheese experiment, a little bit of gardening, and babysitting the kids in the community - mostly the very calm and adorable Amada (8 mos).  In other words: lots of things to keep me occupied and help me avoid planning my next move... :\

But after the celebratory festivities of my dad's 60th birthday and one final camping trip, it's on the move again for me -- this time in my new super-classy  gold 1998 Toyota Camry with leather seats and fake wood trim...  It's a cross-country road trip to Massachusetts to be reunited with the other bits of my life and decide where to go (or see where it takes me) from there. 

I envision:  living in the country/city outskirts.  living simply.  living in community - even better, a community with spiritual values.  being part of a religious community (church, small groups, etc.).  living close enough to an urban area to be able to take advantage of what it offers - cultural and educational opportunities.  plenty of access to quiet outdoor space.  working with kids (esp. 7-11 yr-olds).  working outdoors.  gardening.  improving my folk-guitar skills.  taking some classes, get some training to increase my knowledge and skills re:gardening/working with kids/communicating, figuring out if i want/need to go to grad school/seminary... 

If you have any ideas about places/towns, organizations, networks, farms, communities, programs, jobs, people, resources, I'd love it if you could point me in their direction! 

I imagine the next few months will be more unsettled than I'd prefer, but hopefully my visions and dreams and trust in god's goodness will keep me going and lead me through it to a place of firmer rootedness...  

homing

farewell, Holy Hill, home of my heart these past 8 months...thank you for all your love and care and stretching and soul-nurturing and adventuring and faith-exploring and laughter and the growing of gifts and gardens...(and thanks to the sun for shining bright on my last day here!)
who would have guessed when i arrived here in October how things would unfold?  certainly not i.  it was a time of deep personal and spiritual growth, and i'm certain that it has impacted me in ways that i probably don't even know yet, and won't be aware of until i get home.  

yes, home.  after one year and five months (almost to the day!) i am finally returning to the USA.  there are things i'm going to miss incredibly: the simple rhythm of daily life and communal prayer; my role as liturgical musician - and my performance buddy and partner-in-creativity; Saturday night Sabbath vigils and sung compline; the constantly shifting skies; walks on Dunmoran strand; the stunning view of Sligo/Ballisodare Bay, Knoncknarae, Ben Bulben, and the Slieve League; my window seat; pottery lessons with Paddy; spiritual direction sessions with Margaret; music sessions in Tubbercurry with Liam; cooking with Sioga; talking and singing with Travis; eating Barbara's custard w/apple tart; Rev. Allen's booming voice; being addressed as Lady Autumn and "my fair dame" by the estimable and eccentric Brother Thomas; having a whole beautiful library of meaningful books at my disposal; nobody thinking it odd if all you want to do is hole up in your hermitage and be quiet for hours on end; being surrounded by loving and encouraging people who are concerned more about the state of your soul & spirit and inner integrity than anything else...and being offered endless cups of tea.

it's like i've been enfolded in a nurturing womb, and it's been beautiful, but it also feels like the right time to leave.  i needed it, but i've been there long enough and it's time to figure out how to move forward with my life and the other aspects of my calling - it's helped me find my feet and now it's time to use them.  i feel strong enough and eager enough to press "play" and see what happens...i'm exhausted with all of this traveling and dibbling and dabbling of the last 5 years and i'm feeling ready to stop and be settled and create a life for myself.  i don't really know what that means yet, only that hopefully i'll feel less like a "wondering and wandering wind-blown leaf" and more like a little tree sapling...

Swimming the Deeps

sorry for my silence over the past 2 months, but...

I’ve been swimming the deeps

        of soul
with all the mysteries that await
        in the pressing green darkness
Enclosed and caressed
        by the surging current
Drawn down into the swirling murkiness
Reaching out-reaching in-searching
        for  -  the unnameable
                          unknowable
                          who am i how am i why am i
                          who are you
                          what is love what is God what is good
                          ?
 
Shafts of sunlight illumine the life around me
The waters churn-contract-expand
                        and me with them
        insistent in a slow soft-edged way
        demanding something more of me…
 
Yes I’ve been swimming the deeps
        captivating deeps of soul
But I must learn to use my feet again
        come up for air
And breathe into my humanness.


PS - today i took my leave of Holy Hill.  i will write a reflection on this one of these days.

an easter poem

(this poem has been gestating since it was originally conceived in February, and i think today would be an appropriate day to share it!  despite any imperfections that may remain.  critiques are welcome via email...)

lilting through an afternoon sunspell

tripping over myself with joy

i press my hands

against my breast

in fear that my heart

may else come tumbling out

if I let go...

no longer could i call my heart

"mine"...

-is that what it means

 to die of love?

-it would be annihilated

by that ultimate

ever-living

Holy Fire.

-it would disintegrate

into innumerable shining flecks

burrowing into the earth

rising on the song of a sparrow

whirling in the wind

sprinkling stardust wherever it passed

enlivening all it touched

  

and I would be

-resurrected!

but hasn't this happened 

already?

these feeble human hands

in their pathetic embrace of this

fractured human heart

            -which is even now seeping out through every pore in my body!

haven’t a self-preserving chance 

in the presence of this

infinite

ever-loving God.