That's a lot of life changes for one year! I feel like I've really grown a lot over the last 12 months into who I am and where I'm going. I still have a lot to learn as I figure out how to live as an adult, but I sure know myself better!
Friday, December 31, 2010
A year in review
Agape. Oregon, Lent and Easter, Seder, vegan. College retreats/work groups, NY peace march, discernment. Gardening. Freedom Farm, Minnesota, Epworth & Ulster County. Discernment. NYC, Maine, Kroka Expeditions, Brattleboro, Francis Day at Agape, Carrie Newcomer. Creatively Maladjusted young adult retreat. Relocation to Boston. Friendships. Advent evening at Agape. Job searching, housing searching, church searching - and finding. Nannying, commuting, socializing, applying, discerning. Deciding.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
trot trot to boston, to find a place to live
the second two weeks of November were two of the most difficult weeks of my life. not the most, but they ranked pretty high up there.
i decided to move to Boston, thinking it would be nice to live near friends (most of whom are part of the "creatively maladjusted" group of young adults from Agape) for once, and earn some money to beef up my savings so that i can travel or continue doing quasi-unpaid jobs in the spring...
easier said than done. searching for a job and place to live in a new city simultaneously is not an easy thing to do, especially when you've never done it before! and especially when you're only looking for temporary work and temporary housing.
it all came to a head on Nov. 11, as i wrote in my journal:
"i am sick, sick, sick of this! all i've been doing for the past weeks is switching between tabs on my browser looking at craigslist and other job and roommate sites. i've had absolutely zero success, and it's gotten to the point where i just feel sick upon thinking about it. it's like drowning, like treading water with tired legs and an out of reach shore. yes, i want to be here near these people, but i don't want to do what it seems like i have to in order to make that happen, which is rent an apartment for $500 and work a full time temp job.... what's wrong? what's wrong is that i've 'gotten off the beam' in order to earn money. what's wrong is that i haven't been listening to or caring for my soul. and i've run out of creativity and passion. i've burnt out."
and of course, after that, things started getting better. a couple of people responded to my inquiries about rooms, i filled out some online job applications, and i took a day off from it all. then, inspired by a new friend, i decided to take a different approach. i decided to swallow my pride and ask for help; to be vulnerable and put myself and my needs out there, to the mercies and graces of the united methodists of boston. would any pastors or members of their congregations be willing and able to take me in for a couple of months?
eight days later, i moved into my new home in Dorchester, with Linda and Gary, two semi-retired methodist pastors, and the next day i had a job interview.
community, community, community! how does anyone survive without it? our society teaches us that we should be able to go it alone and take care of ourselves, be independent and self-reliant -- and, consequently, to isolate ourselves from others, refusing to be vulnerable, to ask for help when we need it, to create a safety net of community; forcing us to rely only on our wits, skills, and personal finances.
as i became more desperate to find a solution to my homeless and jobless situation, i became more aware of how my cultural and class identities played into my dificulties. i realized that it had never crossed my mind to seek out a social service agency that could help me, and that i wouldn't even know how to find one. despite my miniscule savings and lack of income and housing, i didn't identify myself as someone who would need or qualify for that kind of assistance - i had always seen myself on the other side, serving rather than receiving. those were the cultural ideals and experiences i'd been raised with. i could hear myself forming the thought "i never thought i'd be one of 'those' people" and immediately cringed at my use of "those".
would "giving in" and going to an agency for help be a "sign of weakness"? or would it have been a sign of strength? of courage? of humility? to ask for the help i needed, never mind my college degree and middle class ideals, and be willing to cross out the word "those", to erase the line, and let me become a part of "us," to be a recipient of grace rather than a dispenser; to be vulnerable and depend on others' wisdom. even though i did not take that step (although i did in my own small way by emailing all of those unknown methodists), i gained a much greater respect and understanding of people who find themselves in that situation, and made an important discovery about myself along the way.
i decided to move to Boston, thinking it would be nice to live near friends (most of whom are part of the "creatively maladjusted" group of young adults from Agape) for once, and earn some money to beef up my savings so that i can travel or continue doing quasi-unpaid jobs in the spring...
easier said than done. searching for a job and place to live in a new city simultaneously is not an easy thing to do, especially when you've never done it before! and especially when you're only looking for temporary work and temporary housing.
it all came to a head on Nov. 11, as i wrote in my journal:
"i am sick, sick, sick of this! all i've been doing for the past weeks is switching between tabs on my browser looking at craigslist and other job and roommate sites. i've had absolutely zero success, and it's gotten to the point where i just feel sick upon thinking about it. it's like drowning, like treading water with tired legs and an out of reach shore. yes, i want to be here near these people, but i don't want to do what it seems like i have to in order to make that happen, which is rent an apartment for $500 and work a full time temp job.... what's wrong? what's wrong is that i've 'gotten off the beam' in order to earn money. what's wrong is that i haven't been listening to or caring for my soul. and i've run out of creativity and passion. i've burnt out."
and of course, after that, things started getting better. a couple of people responded to my inquiries about rooms, i filled out some online job applications, and i took a day off from it all. then, inspired by a new friend, i decided to take a different approach. i decided to swallow my pride and ask for help; to be vulnerable and put myself and my needs out there, to the mercies and graces of the united methodists of boston. would any pastors or members of their congregations be willing and able to take me in for a couple of months?
eight days later, i moved into my new home in Dorchester, with Linda and Gary, two semi-retired methodist pastors, and the next day i had a job interview.
community, community, community! how does anyone survive without it? our society teaches us that we should be able to go it alone and take care of ourselves, be independent and self-reliant -- and, consequently, to isolate ourselves from others, refusing to be vulnerable, to ask for help when we need it, to create a safety net of community; forcing us to rely only on our wits, skills, and personal finances.
as i became more desperate to find a solution to my homeless and jobless situation, i became more aware of how my cultural and class identities played into my dificulties. i realized that it had never crossed my mind to seek out a social service agency that could help me, and that i wouldn't even know how to find one. despite my miniscule savings and lack of income and housing, i didn't identify myself as someone who would need or qualify for that kind of assistance - i had always seen myself on the other side, serving rather than receiving. those were the cultural ideals and experiences i'd been raised with. i could hear myself forming the thought "i never thought i'd be one of 'those' people" and immediately cringed at my use of "those".
would "giving in" and going to an agency for help be a "sign of weakness"? or would it have been a sign of strength? of courage? of humility? to ask for the help i needed, never mind my college degree and middle class ideals, and be willing to cross out the word "those", to erase the line, and let me become a part of "us," to be a recipient of grace rather than a dispenser; to be vulnerable and depend on others' wisdom. even though i did not take that step (although i did in my own small way by emailing all of those unknown methodists), i gained a much greater respect and understanding of people who find themselves in that situation, and made an important discovery about myself along the way.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Carrie Newcomer, one year later, in Boston
I finally have a copy of Carrie's new CD, Before and After -- with an autograph! =) I've wanted to get my hands on a copy of it ever since she sang "A Small Flashlight" for the encore of her concert at Warren Wilson College last year (a song that I could have sworn she sang just for me...).
She of course remembered me - and my name. We checked in before the concert and I realized that I'm in a similar position to where I was a year ago when we talked in North Carolina - and the year before when we first met in Oregon: trying to figure out where to go next in life...
She made a comment about life being a cycle of circles of re-discerning that never stops (although hopefully it's a little different each time and we can get through it a little easier...). Then, to top it off, she opened the concert with "There is a Tree," and when she came to the line "in circles that grow ever wide" she looked right at me. And I smiled, and she smiled. =)
She of course remembered me - and my name. We checked in before the concert and I realized that I'm in a similar position to where I was a year ago when we talked in North Carolina - and the year before when we first met in Oregon: trying to figure out where to go next in life...
She made a comment about life being a cycle of circles of re-discerning that never stops (although hopefully it's a little different each time and we can get through it a little easier...). Then, to top it off, she opened the concert with "There is a Tree," and when she came to the line "in circles that grow ever wide" she looked right at me. And I smiled, and she smiled. =)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
cohoot connections
our parents always forget that the two of us haven't met. just because we're the same age and interested in farming and live on the east coast and because our parents live in the same cohousing community in oregon where we've both spent time doesn't mean we know each other!
but now we do. i decided to make our parents' delusions a reality by calling up Laura and visiting her in Brattleboro, VT. and we had a fabulous time. :) lots of beautiful fall hiking, planting garlic, and cooking of garden-fresh produce! pumpkin pie, pumkin bread, minestrone soup, brussels sprouts, kale, squash...and a giant miatake mushroom found in the woods.
can life be like this all the time?
so mom, dad, yes - now we are friends, and not just in your imaginations. :)
but now we do. i decided to make our parents' delusions a reality by calling up Laura and visiting her in Brattleboro, VT. and we had a fabulous time. :) lots of beautiful fall hiking, planting garlic, and cooking of garden-fresh produce! pumpkin pie, pumkin bread, minestrone soup, brussels sprouts, kale, squash...and a giant miatake mushroom found in the woods.
can life be like this all the time?
so mom, dad, yes - now we are friends, and not just in your imaginations. :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Cold Pond Community Land Trust
South Acworth, NH
My stay here at Cold Pond has been quite nice - and very quiet. I got here just in time yesterday for Steve to greet me before he went off to go bowling, and then I was on my own until almost 11pm to figure out how to make a wood cookstove work, take a walk, build a fire in my little cabin, and search unsuccessfully for matches, among other things (including talk to the neighbor about the horses that had gotten loose and were in the road...).
Today, it snowed. It was heavy, wet snow, mixed with rain at times - like the way it snows in Western Oregon. And it was windy. So, we didn't do anything. In fact, from the time I walked over the house at 9:30am, I didn't set foot outside again until I walked back to the cabin at 9:30pm. We made potato-leek soup, and Steve made an apple cobbler - yum yum!
It's down to Brattleboro tomorrow!
My stay here at Cold Pond has been quite nice - and very quiet. I got here just in time yesterday for Steve to greet me before he went off to go bowling, and then I was on my own until almost 11pm to figure out how to make a wood cookstove work, take a walk, build a fire in my little cabin, and search unsuccessfully for matches, among other things (including talk to the neighbor about the horses that had gotten loose and were in the road...).
Today, it snowed. It was heavy, wet snow, mixed with rain at times - like the way it snows in Western Oregon. And it was windy. So, we didn't do anything. In fact, from the time I walked over the house at 9:30am, I didn't set foot outside again until I walked back to the cabin at 9:30pm. We made potato-leek soup, and Steve made an apple cobbler - yum yum!
It's down to Brattleboro tomorrow!
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